Saturday 3rd XI
Captain: Mike Walsh
League: Fullers League Division 1
Home ground: Woking Park, Woking
2007 League Position: 17th Surrey Championship Division 2 (Relegated)
2007 Player of the Year: Paul Fortescue
CRICKET CRUNCH
Southern Railway & Kenley 91ao
Shiraz Hussain 4-12
Gagan Kumar 3-22
Woking & Horsell 95-3
Won by 7 wickets
Man of the match Shiraz Hussain
With Alistair Darling looking to move the goalposts it is likely that public sector debt is going to exceed 40% of the national income. A Gordon Brown golden rule will be broken. Is it a master stroke or a cunning plan Darling?
The economy is in a state of stagflation, is the base rate to go up or down? The price of doughnuts is a major impact on the BR, even though Ben Revell is a great contributor to the supply and demand of tea time doughnuts we are in fact talking about the Base Rate. However, custard creams show the elasticity of the supply and demand graph quite nicely in the eyes of the market, the 3rd team fielder.
This is a load of rubbish and I'm struggling to write anything stupid. I am no Adam Smith let alone Peter Smith, a man who does know his current liabilities from his fixed assets.
The treasury officials are rewriting the government’s fiscal rules and quite frankly wish they could rewrite this. Where are the Npower girls when you need them? The cost of electricity is going up and I want to see some value for my money, if not a few sparks will do. Show me a socket and I will give you a plug. I can’t stand around all day with a coat hanger in my hand hoping my telly will work if a starling lands on it flapping its wings like a wind turbine.
Do we charge extra for cricket teas? Yes it will encourage growth but will it spark inflation or deflation. I just don’t want to be around after those egg sandwiches. The crisps do crunch but not as much as the scale and the scum of the the pavilion kettle.
Does the club look at a gilt-edged funding, sell some of it assets, however the teddies and the pictures in the tea room are not technically the theres, economists’ speculate that this could amount to corporate fraud.
Apologies for this piece of complete utter recessional garbage, blame Mr Darling not me. I’m off to find some cheap fish fingers.
CHAPTER EIGHT
WHO FLIPPIN KNOWS?
Charlie Johnson 4-29
Woking & Horsell 191-2
Saf Nawaz 54no
Kaqhan Zafar 50 no
Dave Bennett 45
Won by 8 wickets
Man of the match Charlie Johnson
The rich ripple of the shallow proof of summer’s mellowness upon the under turf of extreme challenge they call sport. Day of grace and merriment destroyed by more tension than a bungee cord. Are the black crows on the gladiatorial zone a sign that doom lies ahead, the seed not sown or are they playing at Wokfeast? Who knows?
The blanket above graduates slowly by the zephyr conspiracy or are we paper players in life’s cluedo? Screaming hallow, anguish or too much trifle are the astonishment of broken glass. Is Faisel’s brother a mirage or a convenient passer by to change the scoreboard? Challenge the moment, be dealt fairly, but how can it when we alas do not understand if the sky is one or made up from millions of different pieces. Who Knows?
The embracement of cheese sandwiches are no illusion but if the squirrel can scuba dive through the coral reef of desire why can’t parachuting lamas play snooker with blinkers on? Economic with the truth, wood pigeons are not made of wood. Give me a smile and I show you a monkfish that can whistle the theme tune to Eastenders. Everyone knows that not all balloons are red. Why is there only one monopoly commission? Who knows?
Debate as much as you like, were Edward II, Richard II, Henry VI and Edward V murdered, was Richard III a murderer. Lady Jane Grey and Charles I were publicly torn apart. If it wasn’t for the Russians would a famous south London train station been called Agincourt or Crecy? Who Knows?
Crystal solutions for a broken scenario. Colour Orange or the fruit, which came first. Engulfment of excitement as dawn closes, acceleration of gaping columns, impact of the tournament. Where are the volunteers of the hunt, not there, I can see them, but they are not there. Indicative of naked pressure, there’s no visible flames but torture of kindred spirits, pull the line, fight the fight, trial the humming bird of love and summers will burn eternally. What’s the point of having the word dictionary in a dictionary? Who Flippin knows?
Mike Walsh 37
Saf Nawaz 35
Woodmansterne 163-9
Mandar Khedekar 4-42
Imran Tehel 3-32
Winning Draw
Man of the match Mandar Khedekar ?
This week you the public have the opportunity to vote for your man of the match. The players this week have voted for Mandar, but this will only contribute to 50% of the votes, you have the remaining say.
So get on those phones and text your player nomination, see below player code (and their match desciption) and text ‘WH MOM and player code, eg if you think Amir should be man of the match text ‘WH MOM 9’ to 07801 240516.
Also, the player that receives the least votes may be playing for the fours the following week (this is subject to player and club availability!). Therefore, this is important you take this seriously and vote sensibly. Lines are open until 9pm Friday 4 July. Any votes received after that time will not be counted and you will be still be charged by your phone provider. All profits will go to the telecomm industry.
Player Code Player MOM Contribution
1 Mike Walsh Captain extraordinaire, led from the front, shining
example to the team, top scored, well respected.
Spent most of week on phone to get team together.
Has strong influence on selection (please consider before making your vote!) Batted on through extreme injury, the mans a hero, he’s a legend; he’s a W&Han!
2 Sam Way The teams party kid. Although he did disappear early to
tuck into some sausages on sticks and jelly & ice cream
he did put on a 79 opening partnership with the skipper (another vote for player code 1 then?)
3 Jamie Arguably the best Aussie in the team. Commits playing
McMahon 2 weeks before getting married. Took the best catch of
match. Brought out a glass of water to his skipper
through his heroic innings.
4 Saf Nawaz Has Samad as a brother (no sympathy votes please). Hit two cracking big sixes, 2nd top scored.
Originally robbed of 2 runs as leg byes by Samad (no sympathy votes please). However,
apparently at fault for Samad’s dismissal!
5 Steve Arguably the best South African in the team. Had the
Wernberg best supporters club for any W&H player in recent
history.
6 Sam Nawaz Knocked back more pizza pieces than any other player. Great effort in picking up kit bag and scoreboard (albeit
arriving extremely late after meet time with Saf!)
Everyone’s’ favourite Nawaz brother called Samad.
7 Mandar Front runner to the MOM receiving players vote,
Khedekar however please do not be swayed by this (see player
code 1 if you are undecided and looking for a good
classy alternative). Almost got W&H over the finishing line with 2 wickets in last over.
More importantly made the tea (the drink not the food!)
8 Ben Revell The best keeper in the team, just ask Charlie. Took a
stunning catch from Imran’s bowling, just ask Charlie.
Instrumental in bringing out the mid innings drinks,
albeit water, just ask Charlie. (hold on first text vote just coming in for player code 8 from Charlie)
9 Amir Hamid Best 2007 4 team player of the year in the squad. In a
moving ceremony in the pavilion’s kitchen he was
presented with his overdue and not engraved trophy, albeit half of the players were not there as they turned up late.
10 Charlie The best groundsman in the team. Holds club record for
Johnson the number of Becks consumed in ones lifetime, added
to tally after match. Was on Becks wicket commission,
only earnt one but could have had a nice little 6 pack (cor!) with a bit more luck! Had his own flask of tea (assume tea?). Nice flask, worth a vote for that alone?
11 Imran Tehel All padded up and nowhere to go, declaration before we
could see his best. Therefore, with exception of player code 10 didn’t get out to a stupid shot. Young enough to be any of the other 4 bowlers’ nightmare tearaway son. Came back for a 2nd spell whilst still in his 1st spell!
It will be interesting to find out who you will vote for? So vote now for your favourite and don’t for the person you want to send to Piers!
Dave Bennett 32
Gaghan Kumar 31
Wallington 171-6
Losing Draw
Man of the match Samad Nawaz
We meet for selection on the edge of Horsell town
We view the players and see who’s dropping down
Half my team is picked for the twos
I have the W&H outpour selection Blues
We can’t pick him this Tuesday night
He’s home only the parasite!
Tony, Damo, Jerry and Piers just can’t choose
We all have the W&H selection Blues
Next night is the Twenty/20 feast
It will be nice to get out half a team at least
Due to zombie dropouts we do lose
I have the midweek W&H twenty/20 Blues
My phone flashes up with Jerry’s name
Another dropout who’s to blame
More calls the profiits are all O2s
I have the W&H phone bill Blues
When at work the e-mails fly
The ones this week have lost Cy
Another batsman Jerry will choose
I have the W&H no batsman Blues
As the weekend nears Croydon appears
Is it happiness or is that tears
This place is like converted loos
I have the W&H Croydon travel Blues
Played six but only one at home
I long for the park the pleasure dome
Playing at home is way overdue
We have the lonesome W&H Park Blues
Saturday it finally comes
The excitement, the drama, the runs
We must do anything rather than lose
We have the W&H league Blues
Back to the club on the edge of Horsell town
To find out the scores that are going around
Win, draw or lose we hit the booze
We have the W&H Barstool Blues
Wake up Sunday morning not feeling much
I must overdosed on Munster munch
Can’t believe it was the Stella brews
I have the W&H outpour hangover Blues
Kaqan Zafar 76no
Jason Anderson 51
Chobham 188-9
Maneeb Kaleem 6-38
Lost by 1 wicket
Man of the match Maneeb Kaleem
Monday
First thing in the morning my mobile phone rings and flashes up with my boss’s name. Gulp, I’m in the smelly stuff as I was watching the test match down the pub on Friday afternoon when I should have been in a meeting. No, to the contrary, my boss states that I should take the rest of the week off so I can concentrate on the big carnival match for the weekend, cricket is far more important. Sod the credit crunch, go and get some league points.
Spend the rest of the day, albeit almost arrested as I survey some of the W&H colt lads by watching them play British Bulldog in their school playground.
Tuesday
Meet Damo, Jerry, Piers and Chairman of Selectors Tony at Lords to pick our relevant teams. Piers gets the hump as I pick Des instead of Stuart Broad, he wanted him just in case it kicked off at the park. However, he gets to keep Ramprakash even though all the hype suggests he should be playing 3rd team cricket at W&H. Frankly, I’m getting extremely fed up with should he or shouldn’t he play in the 3s, he had a good run for us a few years ago and just couldn’t cut the monster munch.
At the press conference, live on Sky, is fronted by Tony with myself, Damo, Jerry and Piers either side of him as he announces the 4 teams for Saturday. Matt will announce the Sunday team separately on Setanta Sports; the club sold the Sunday games on a separate TV package.
Damo deflects a difficult question from the Daily Mail about picking Doug instead of the in form Jimmy Anderson, whereas Jerry gets flak from the Sun about him and his next door neighbour’s cat. A bigger concern to the Telegraph was the sanity of his new keeper Salam, frankly a middle order nutcase. The Woking review asks Piers if he could open the Horsell parish summer fete in July.
Wednesday
In the morning go to the Loughborough centre for some additional training. Unfortunately, Woodsy and his chip fat uni mates appear all stellad up and start bowling chips at my middle order of Kaqan Zafar, Jason Anderson and Kevin Peterson.
Rodney Marsh flies into the country to give Ben Revell specific keeper coaching. He explains the rudimentary of drinking XXXXs during test matches and the benefits of slamming down the VBs and Fosters to enable good glove work. For some reason Munge and Damo turn up wanting to learn the basics of keeping.
I release myself, Samad and Jason for the 20twenty match later that evening for the W&H Red Lions. Unfortunately, Mark Worgan fails to turn up for the match. It took him 6 pints of Stella before he realised the rest of the team won’t with him and that he was playing for the Red Lions and not meeting there. Again, another insight into the club’s serious ginge drinking problems.
Thursday
Me and the team do several interviews and photo shoots. My favourite one is with FHM. Several centrefold pictures taken with me fully dressed in my W&H kit with the Npower girls scantly clothed getting a good grip of my bat.
Jason Anderson does an interview for Channel 9 in Australia; he’s now the new Oz pin boy now Jamie has decided to join Jerry’s ranks (boo!). Dave Bennett is interviewed by Basil Brush on CBeebies (Boom, Boom!). Whereas, Mandar appears on a celebrity version of Deal or No Deal and comes away 10p richer.
The team and members of the club meet in the evening to record a song ‘One Lion on the Shirt’ we’re going home, we’re going home, One Lion on the Shirt, Carnival Trophy still gleaming, we’re going home, we’re going home.
The song is a fusion of metal, emo, classical baroque, Latin American incantation and the theme from the archers. Paul Weller guests on the single as a tribute to Woking’s new big band. Melody Maker, Classic Rock and NME predict it to be biggest song of all time.
Friday
Damo rings me up stating that Lords is double booked and the 1s are playing there and not the 3s. Gutted, buts its ok as its just another Damo wind up and in fact they are playing at the Oval as its easier for his team to get there and the 3s will be gracing the home of cricket.
Mysteriously all the Npower girls’ photo shoots have gone missing (that’s unfortunate, wonder how that could have happened!) and FHM insist they are redone. Never mind, the things I do for the team!
After a light net with Maneeb and Monty meet up with the team at the Savoy hotel for a quiet stay over before the big match
Saturday
Finalise our future tour programme and appearance fees; negotiate £1million per match, which £900k goes to the skipper. Rumour has it the WPL, Woking Premier League is desperate to get the W&H 3s into their league and have offered in excess of £5 million per match.
Paul Weller, Bruce Springsteen and Foo Fighters perform pre match concert.
1.30 ‘One Lion on the Shirt’ plays as the players walk out. W&H win by a convincing 500 runs, the skipper weighing in with his maiden triple century!
What a week, who said being a W&H skipper was unglamorous and hard week!!!
SPRING WATCH
W&H 208 ao
Jamie McMahon 67
Carshalton & Croygas 162-3
Winning Draw
Man of the match Jamie McMahon
It’s the time of the year when the lovely spring lambs abound through the crisp green grass, the bouncy beautiful baby bunnies merrily dance and leap to the gorgeous song of the nightingale and the tits of W&H fly unaided towards to another carnival match.
The tits are lead by the W&H lion Crested tit Mike (Latin: Titus leaderus). There are some fledglings tits such as Bil (coltus Titus) and Ben (right Titus) the flowerpot birds, blub, blub, little weed with juicy scrumptious insects on we going to eat you. Easily confused with Dave (getting on our Titus) Coal tit, one of Europe’s smallest coltus titus, contrary to the recent brood at W&H.
The Bearded tits of Samad (taxis Titus) and Muneeb (relatus taxis Titus) are rarer on the field but were recently spotted at Carshalton by Bill Oddie. More common, but too much annoyance is the big, colourful (language), bold and the most aggressive tit, the Salam Great tit (greatus nutecasus that annoys all Titus). This tit has often an extremely varied and often confusing call, which include the ear ringing #@*%!, it is a repeated four letter call, sharp, strident, some say musical (hey) but generally grating with varying emphasis depending on whether it is mating with the taxis Titus or sending a distress call to the oppos umpireus.
A box cam is wired up to this great Titus, not pleasant pictures I'm afraid but it is in the name of research. Man has been to the moon but not here before and it is now apparent why no one has previously taken this leap of faith. Why wood lice are there, who knows, but this is one for the scientists.
Technology, through the aid of bat cam we can see the Aruna (nocakeus Titus) Willow tit. He often lives in rotten tree stumps and contrary to rumours eats only berries, seeds and cheese sarnies but not angel cake which RSPB thought was the reason for its slow flight. The nocakeus Titus is much alike to the Mandar Marsh tit (new ballus Titus) and identification between both is often a challenge for the experienced twitcher. It is through their call they are frequently told apart, the nocakeus Titus has more of an out of breath call whereas the new ballus Titus has the noise of ‘come on’ when lbw (large big woodcocks) are not given.
Intriguely, not known at Carshalton before is the hornet eating Aussie Jamie Blue Tit (no worrius matus Titus). The no worrius matus Titus often lurks around wooden bars and has a tendency to chew and regurgitate its nuts when chasing its mate (whereis mi sheilus Titus). The RSPB encourage homeowners to feed him the amber nectar during the summer months.
This last tit, often spotted around Woking park by Kate Humble in the bushes, lucky tit, is the Amir (spinus parkus Titus) Long Tailed Tit. But unusually the ornithologists have been getting their large lenses out to spot this breed of spinus parkus Titus in the outer regions of Croydon.
Tweet, tweet, watch the birdies!!!!!
W&H 215 -8 dec
Jamie McMahon 57
Salam Zafar 52
Thames Ditton 216-7
Samad Nawaz 3-40
Man of the match Jamie McMahon
Hello, I am Jonathan Agnew and welcome to the edited highlights of the TMU pod cast for Woking & Horsell versus Thames Ditton.
Jonathan Agnew (JA); Morning Geoffrey, good morning everyone. We are here at the W&H Park CG for their third test of the season against the much fancied Thames Ditton. How do you see this going Geoffrey?
Geoffrey Boycott (GB): Morning Aggers, morning everyone. Aye, don’t fancy W&H chances, picked a load of blokes I’ve never heard of, wouldn’t happen in my day. The only ones I fancy are the W&H power girls.
JA: : Yes, Geoffrey, they haven’t got a test run or wicket between them, interesting selection.
GB : Aye, don’t understand it, I know Flintoff is injured but I don’t get the modern selector, bonkers, wouldn’t happen in Barnsley.
JA : Geoffrey, toss has been made and the W&H captain, Mike Walsh has won the toss and has decided to bat, lets see if we can get a quick word with him before he straps his pads on.
Morning Mike
Mike Walsh (MW) ; Morning Aggers, Morning Boycs, morning everyone
JA : Interesting team selection. I know you have a depleted team from your previous game against Camberley?
MW ; Yeah, Aggers, it was a difficult decision; we lost players due to circumstances beyond our control, unfortunately all bowlers. Alex Marples injured himself opening a can of beer, Hussian Malik had to take his best mates cousins cat to the vets and just this morning Paul Fortescue was told by his wife that he had to put up some shelves. Fortunately, 12th Man Ben Revell was fit and ready otherwise the oppo captains 8 year old kid would have subbed fielded for us. So we’ve gone for a combination of youth and tea eaters.
JA : Thanks Mike, good luck over to CMJ & Geoffrey in the commentary box.
Chis Martin-Jenkins(CMJ) : Morning Aggers, Morning Geoffrey, morning everyone. Jerusalem has just finished playing. Play starts. The Thames Ditton opening bowler runs into the W&H captain and bowls the first bowl of the match. Mike shoulders & arms as it passes just outside the off stump.
GB : Lovely, really, really good cricket, nice leave down the corridor of uncertainty.
CMJ : For those without digital radio or internet access we are now off to the shipping forecast.
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A N Nouncer : Fitzroy, Gale force cyclonic, Biscay showers, Dogger ruff ruff poodle…………….
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Simon Mann (SM) : Afternoon Victor, afternoon Aggers, afternoon Geoffrey, afternoon CMJ, afternoon everyone, intriguing passage of play now with Jamie McMahon and Salam Zafar in.
Victor Marks (VM) : Afternoon Simon, afternoon Aggers, afternoon Geoffrey, afternoon CMJ, afternoon everyone. Absolutely, Mike Walsh & Dave Bennett got W&H off to a solid but unexciting start, lets see what these two can get up to?
Bill Frindall (BF) : That run has bought up the record for a W&H 3rd wicket partnership in the Fullers carnival when an Aussie beamer bowler and a nutcase keeper have batted together
………………………………………..
Henry Blofeld (HB) : Oh I say old thing, this extraordinary cricket, afternoon Gus, afternoon Simon, afternoon Aggers, afternoon Geoffrey, afternoon CMJ, afternoon Victor, afternoon everyone. A wood pigeon has just flown over the Robin Miller tennis court stands, I say, how exciting.
Angus Fraser(AF) : Yes, Blowers, yes, what about the cricket Uzman Zafar and Samad Nawaz are whacking it everyway.
HB : I say dear old thing, I know, how wonderful an Abco taxi has driven past, wonderful stuff.
AF : Careful Blowers, Samad playing, oh, hold on Mike has declared the innings at 215-8 from 48.5 overs, its now tea.
BF : Just to let you know, Andy Crawley will become the youngest W&H player to eat cocktail sausages, pizza pieces, followed by Angel cake for 3 games on a trot. However, the Storey brothers still hold the record the most doughnuts at anyone sitting.
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JA : Fascinating 2nd innings expected, Geoffrey, W&H do not have a spinner and have picked an all seam attack; they obviously think the match will not go into the 5th hour. Rumour, has it Geoffrey that Salam may bowl spin if necessary.
GB : Aye, Aggers, just don’t get it, it wouldn’t happen in my day going into a match without a spinner. As this for this lad Salam bowling, he wouldn’t get a bowl in a Chinese restaurant.
JA : Mandar, comes into bowl from the Smithy & Moon road end, its hurried the batsman, its out, W&H are going crazy.
GB : Aye, look at them, prancing around like a ladies netball team on space hoppers, bloody Nancy boys. You wouldn’t see the Yorkshire team do that, when fiery Fred Trueman took a wicket, he would turn straight round and get ready to knock over the next man. Too excited these youngsters.
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CMJ : The W&H Barmy army are in good form and are trumpeting Great Escape, can they? Imran Tehal has bowled a beauty of ball which has a taken a thick edge and is fielded by Aruna.
BF : That touch of the ball was Aruna 50th ball he’s stopped in the field as a W&H player.
…………………………………………………………
SM : Samad is bowling well from the Charlie Johnson Becks Pavilion end, has done all season, he needs his fielders to support him.
VM : The other advantage W&H have when Samad is bowling is that he isn’t fielding.
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HB : Dear old things this is exciting stuff, a song thrush has landed at deep third man, oh, and there’s a glorious red kite being flown over by the Munge swimming pool stand. Gus, old thing is there any chocolate fingers left?
AF : Thames Ditton have just won with just under 2 overs to spare and you’ve just missed it!
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JA : The TMU team have voted the Champagne moment to Dave Bennett chase of the ball past deep gully. When he went to pick the ball up he kicked it and had to do some further chasing!
Richard Thompson 70
Salam Zafar 38
Camberley 123-4
Winning draw
Man of the match Richard Thompson
This week’s article gives an insight to the players behind the team. The players kindly gave up some of their free time during the match tea break to answer a few questions about themselves.
Player : Mike Walsh
Role: Captain & Opening Bat
Nickname: Walshie or Bradman
Favourite Player(s); Graham Gooch & Michael Vaughan
What do you Love about W&H: The Bar
Interesting Fact: Hold club batting record partnership for any wicket in any team with Clive Moon
Player : Salam Zafar
Role: Vice Captain, Wicket Keeper & Middle order Nutcase
Nickname: Not printable
Favourite Player(s); Mike Walsh & The Hamster
Who is the best Zafar?: #@~%!, Hamster #@~%!, Uzzy #@#%!
Interesting Fact: Declined test cricket for Pakistan to make himself eligible for the carnival
Player : Richard Thompson
Role: Opening Vampire Bat
Nickname: Tommo
Favourite Player(s); Mike Walsh & Kevin Phillips
Wolves, Blues or WBA: Not a printable response given
Interesting Fact: Often gets confused with Jeff Thomson or a directory
Player : Jamie McMahon
Role: Cheese
Nickname: Bruce
Favourite Player(s); Mike Walsh & Shane Warne
What made you join W&H: Mike Walsh
Interesting Fact: Everybody needs good neighbours
Player : Aruna Sellawaha
Role: of Honour
Nickname: Need to find one
Favourite Player(s); Mike Walsh
Can you disclose your IPL fee : No but got more than Salam
Interesting Fact: Got a higher IPL fee than Salam
Player : Ben Revell
Role: Forward
Nickname: Craig Revell-Horwood
Favourite Player(s); Mike Walsh
Who is your fav friend at W&H: Mike Walsh
Interesting Fact: Favourite to win the 2008 Strictly Come Dancing
Player : Hussain Malik
Role: With it, you gotta take your time
Nickname: Whose stolen it?
Favourite Player(s); Mike Walsh
How do relax away from W&H: Read the new Mike Walsh autobiography now available at all major retailers
Interesting Fact: W&H first Bosman signing
Player : Alex Marples
Role: Sausage
Nickname: The Murder at the Vicarage
Favourite Player(s); Mike Walsh
If not employed at W&H, what else: Mike Walsh kit manager
Interesting Fact: In 1523 the Swedes expelled Danish overlords and elected Gustavus Vasa King
Player : Samad Nawaz
Role: Model
Nickname: Sam had
Favourite Player(s); Mike Walsh & Myself
Favourite sledge: The one pulled by Huskies
Interesting Fact: Some say he’s the best driver at W&H but isn’t in his family
Player : Paul Fortescue
Role: Detective in a thriller
Nickname: Forte, Forte coming if your ready or not
Favourite Player(s); Mike Walsh & Ryan Sidebottom
How do you feel at the moment: With my hands
Interesting Fact: His Pro40 & 20/20 intro song is Waterloo
Player : Andy Crawley
Role: Mop
Nickname: Creepy or a town in W Sussex
Favourite Player(s); Mike Walsh
Change one thing at W&H, what: Overnight stays at Hotels prior to away matches allowing for greater preparation
Interesting Fact: 1 nautical mile = 6080 ft or 1853.18m
Samad Nawaz 3-12
Andy Crawley 3-27
W&H 82-4
Jamie McMahon 37 no
Man of the match Jamie McMahon
This is my first communication since my appointment last November due to my poor command of the English language, as I'm sure you’ll find out!! I have now come public as many of my statements or press conferences have been misconstrued through my interpreter Salam Zafar. I will learn by mistakes!
It is a privilege and honour to undertake one of the highest roles in English cricket, if not world cricket. Many legends such as Peter Smith and Paul Fortescue have served tea as W&H 3rd team captain in the clubs illustrious history. That will probably give you some scope of the icons at the club, if not they can. I must admit I was choked (or was that choking) when I was voted in to take the clubs new generation onto its next adventure.
However, what I wasn’t aware of at that time was the challenge that stood before me and the problems that ensued. Firstly, there was the media hype, especially from boisterous local rags as to whether I should award the long standing servant John Dunbar his 100th cap for the club. My major concern with JD was his continuing commitment as he had joined the ICPL (Ivory Coast Premier League). I’ll be honest it is a concern of mine that JD was chasing the big bucks of the new overseas league and he would be missing important matches through our forthcoming campaign.
I was certainly not aware of the sobriety running rife in the club; it wasn’t like that in my day. At my first training session Mark Worgan was causing me anguish, it didn’t seem right, I could see it in his eyes, he hadn’t touched a drop for days, I thought to myself this lad is going to hurt himself. I immediately took him aside and shoved some after shocks down him, sent him packing until the next training session and told him I never want to see him in that condition again. This was a serious ginge drinking problem.
If that wasn’t bad enough I caught the Bennett Boys, Sam Way, John Hargan and Imran Tehal binging on cans of Tizer and Coke. I was furious when I found out they were diet. Frankly, I was disgusted, there was a serious drinking problem in the club and sooner we got James Woods back from our training centre in Loughborough and showed the power of the Stella the better. These youngsters could learn a lot from the old guard like Matt Allan where a proper warm session constituted a can of the finest super strength lager and a packet fags. This was true professionalism unlike the modern myth of stretching; you could pull muscle if you’re not careful. I’ve not heard anyone pull up lame by opening a bottle of Cardinal Gold? Never did Charlie Johnson any harm (maybe he did to others, but not himself!).
Talking about the old guard, another issue was the batsman/keeper scenario. Do we pick the best keeper, a batsman that can run quickly after the ball after he’s missed it behind the stumps or stack of jumpers or caps? Don’t think club has replaced Peter Allan yet!!
I couldn’t believe shortly after my appointment the review of my position as the club decided they wanted to put a new coach in place. What was wrong with Clive Moon’s 4x4 he could fit quite few colts into that car? Also, the club wasn’t showing me any faith, who in the clubs history has won the Carnival trophy (1999) and taken the boys in 2006 to the semis of the Frank Spencer league, that’s gratitude for you!
Central contracts loomed high on my agenda. Did I really want to put Neil Cheetham or Gihan Thabrew on such a contract, probably not, with possible sporadic availability this year? Could the club really afford to pull them out of playing cricket in their back garden with their kids when they won’t playing enough anyway? What’s wrong with the modern cricketer, I used to go back to 3rd team cricket between tests, load of nancys these days.
I look forward to the challenge ahead and wish to recreate the open top mini scenes through Horsell and the tic a tape reception at Horsell Parish Hall, when we won the Carnival Trophy. Some say its Horsell proudest day in its history. Rumour has it, that was the day Des Cooke decided to join the fuzz when saw the boys in blue holding back the thousand of well wishers in the town. Fine memories, bring some more on and lets have it gentlemen for 2008.
| Date | Opposition | Venue | Time | Result |
| 10 | Ripley | A | 1.30 | Won by 6 wickets |
| 17 | Camberley | A | 1.30 | Winning draw |
| 24 | Thames Ditton | H | 1.30 | Lost by 3 wickets |
| 31 | Carshalton CG | A | 1.30 | Winning draw |
| June 7 | Chobham | A | 1.30 | Lost by 1 wicket |
| 14 | Wallington | A | 1.30 | Losing draw |
| 21 | Weybridge Vandals | H | 1.30 | Won by 4 wickets |
| 28 | Woodmansterne | H | 1.30 | Winning draw |
| July 5 | Staines & Laleham | H | 1.30 | Won by 8 wickets |
| 12 | 1.30 | |||
| 19 | Southern Railway and Kenley | H | 1.30 | Won by 7 wickets |
| 26 | Battersea Ironsides | A | 1.30 | Won by 28 runs |
| August 2 | Hampton Wick Royal | H | 1.30 | Winning draw |
| 9 | Frimley | A | 1.30 | Abandoned |
| 16 | Merstham | H | 1.30 | |
| 23 | Old.Tiffinians | A | 1.30 | |
| 30 | West End Esher | H | 1.30 |